Wednesday, 17 September 2008

• Why am i so complicated.

  
  
  
  I had turn all of my past entries into private. After soooo long, I'm back blogging here again. There's really too many thoughts in my mind and I have not been telling anyone. Especially him. All along I kept all my unhappiness inside me just because I do not want him to know that I am unhappy. All because I want things to be fine. Away from quarrels. I have no choice, but to type it all out here..
  
  It is really hard to be a perfect girlfriend for him. Or some ideal girlfriend he wanted me to be.
  
  Maybe we are much more better now than before. The days when we used to fight and break up routines. But why I still do not see the future in us. Our relationship has never been stable. I felt that I am standing at the edge of the hill and just one more step, I will be falling down onto the ground. Deep and dark.
  
  But I look behind, there's no light. I can't step backward either. I'm here. Not moving. Trying to keep myself alive..
  
  They say relationships without ups and downs is not counted as going into a relationship. Couples must go through thick and thins together to prove how much they love each other. But haven I gone through enough? All the sacrifices isn't enough? Yes, he did has his sacrifices too which this is the reasons why. We both gone through so much and there's still problems coming???
  
  Is it because our love wasn't deep enough or we are just too young, still naive and stubborn?
  
  Or it's just me. The fault.
  
  Too many things not done, so many things left undone. My dreams. My wants. My hope. Yet, I pushed them far back behind so as to look upon to you only. To do my part by giving you my support.
  
  Is it better to fly alone and try live the life you wanted or to be loved but unhappiness stays with you.
  
  They say you can change things into the way you think it is better for you. But change has no guarantees. It might not give you the result you first wanted. It gives you consequences. Can be good or bad.
  
  I hope humans are computerized. Everything go accordingly. No mistakes, no wrongs. Everything goes fine and smooth.
  
  Still, I'm trying to be independent. I don't want to be weak. Weak makes a person fall easily.
  
  I wish I am ok.
  
  
  
  

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